yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
