I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
