I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
