There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
