Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
