I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
