Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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