This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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