you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
