So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
