I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
