gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
