I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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