life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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