I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
