If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
