ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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