Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think my moral compass just broke
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
