if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Randomize
