Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
