What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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