Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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