I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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