i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
