I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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