I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just pee around me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
