I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
