Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
