I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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