Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
