is your mom at the bar?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
