im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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