Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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