smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
