no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
