ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
