Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
