my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
