we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
50% drunk capacity currently
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
