Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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