I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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