Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
