I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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