help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
