How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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