its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
