you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Vodka?
Forever.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
