the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
