Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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