so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
